Having spent the better part of February reading about and watching the Winter Olympics from Vancouver, I am more ready than ever for trip to the links. In truth, these icy games have served to increase my appreciation of golf. Here then are a few reasons why golf completely trumps the Winter Olympics.
If you hear, “Ohno!” at the Winter Olympics, you are watching an odd-looking, half-pint skater/ballroom dancer guy. If you hear, “Ohno!” in golf, you are about to get hit by my opening tee shot.
U.S. skier Lindsey Vonn could compete in a short skirt.
There are no grotesque plaid shirts like the ones worn by the U.S. snowboarders. In golf, plaid is where it’s supposed to be, on Jack Nicklaus’s pants at the ’86 Masters.
No Bob Costas. Really, the next time I see Costas wearing a sweater sitting by a fire, I hope it’s at a rest home.
There is no one on the PGA tour named Apolo, unless of course, you count Carl Weathers (aka Apollo Creed) as ex-PGA pro Chubbs Peterson in “Happy Gilmore.”
Dangerously large blades are used to manicure greens, not skate endlessly in a circle.
Dangerously pointed poles are used to hold flags, not guide a human being down a 10,000 foot mountain.
Shaun White is nowhere to be found. Maybe it’s me, but something just doesn’t seem right about that kid.
U.S. snowboarder Hannah Teter could compete in a short skirt.
Golf has no puck. It does, however, have a schmuck. Yo Jesper Parnevik, stop whining about introducing Tiger to Elin. Let them figure it out. There is plenty keeping you busy, like figuring out how to win a Major. And one more thing, turn down that brim. You’re playing golf, not pumping gas alongside Gomer in Mayberry.
Having said that, a Nordic Combined in golf would be Parnevik teamed with Henrik Stenson, not grinding your way through some obscure Canadian forest on skis, then hurling yourself off a slippery ramp.
I figured it out! Shaun White reminds me of the kid from the movie “Mask.” I half expect Sam Elliot and Cher to pull up in a Harley and crack open a few Buds.
In golf, moguls OWN courses, they don’t make them bumpy.
Having ice water in your veins means you are good under pressure, not trapped under an avalanche.
U.S. snowboarder Clair Bidez could compete in a short skirt.
No one ever jumped 400 feet off a golf course.
When you say, “Wie!” in golf, you are applauding a golfer who is skilled, sexy and sublime. When you say, “Wie!” in the Winter Olympics, you probably just leaped off a cliff from which most people would need a rescue helicopter.
In golf, you lose. At the Winter Games, you luge. Losing is much safer.
Good shooting in golf means you won the tournament. Good shooting at the Winter Olympics means you won the Biathlon … and probably killed an innocent Canadian elk.
U.S. skier Lacy Schnoor could compete in a short skirt.
A Golf Pro-Am would feature Bill Murray and George Lopez in Izod. A Winter Olympics Pro-Am would feature Charles Barkley in Spandex. Ouch!
Golf has no rink. It does, however, have a stink. Yo Ernie Els, stop griping about Tiger doing a press conference on a Friday, and be thankful that while he is gone, you might actually have a shot at regaining some of your lost mojo.
There are no blizzards in golf, unless of course, Dairy Queen decides to become a sponsor. Then, we’ll all be knee-deep in Dilly Bars, and what’s wrong with that?
In golf, ominously steep mountains line the course. In the Winter Games, ominously steep mountains ARE the course.
In golf, ice is used for drinking, not skating.
U.S. hockey player Hilary Knight could compete in a short skirt.
I can think of maybe three things I’d rather do than play golf. I can think of maybe 3000 things I’d rather do than go to a Canadian outpost where the temperature hovers between 30 degrees and cryogenics, squeeze myself into form-fitting Lycra and hurl my body 500 feet in the air from a glacier, hoping to land somewhere in the same continent.
Among the 3000 things I’d rather do are: root canal, a colonoscopy, running naked through a room filled with nails and fire, and doing the lambada with the male contestants on “The Biggest Loser.”
In golf, Lefty is the nickname for the second best player in the world, not the nickname of some Norwegian skier who just had his right arm severed by the branch of a Canadian blue spruce.
U.S. figure skater Tanith Belbin could compete in a short skirt.
Wait a minute, Belbin already does compete in a short skirt. Hmm, let me think. OK, how about this one. U.S. figure skater Tanith Belbin could compete in a short skirt alongside Natalie Gulbis.
Syndicated columnist John Molori writes for numerous publications and websites. Email John at MoloriMedia@aol.com.