With the NFL adopting some new rules recently, I thought it might be time for golf to do the same. Here then, are some very important proposed rules changes for 2010.
Golfers wearing clothing that resembles any color in a dish of spumoni or sherbet get 10 strokes added to their final scores.
The 19th Hole is included as an official hole in all tournaments. With each Jim Beam and Coke, you may subtract one stroke from your 18-hole tally.
You can use a driver. Seriously, if the guy who drives you to the course is a better player, you can use him.
You must be able to recite at least three scenes from “Caddyshack” verbatim, or you will be banned from all tournament play.
The Masters will give an exemption to anyone with Master in his name. This list includes Bat Masterson, ex-Giant shortstop Johnnie LeMaster, Carl Weathers aka The Master of Disaster and Major Anthony Nelson (Jeannie’s Master). Masters and Johnson can also play, but they have to wash their hands first.
Lying, cheating, kicking golf balls, yelling when an opponent putts, swearing, tossing clubs and badgering slow foursomes in front of you are not only legal, but encouraged and mandatory.
No one named Jesper is allowed on any course anywhere, even if you are the Court Jesper at the Royal and Ancient Course at St. Andrew’s.
And while we are in the banning mode, let’s put a moratorium on these hideous white belts. I haven’t worn one of these since my first communion in 1972. And yes, it did match the tie.
Instead of yelling “Fore!” when teeing off, golfers will be allowed to yell the name of their favorite Led Zeppelin tune. “Black Dog! Damn, in the cart path again.”
The gallery will now have to feature actual works of art. Can’t you just hear Mike Tirico? “Furyk really sliced that one. Oh, and Van Gogh loses another ear!”
Phil Mickelson must be accompanied by a trained fashion consultant when choosing a shirt size. Yo Lefty, the youth large isn’t cutting it. Go XL or go home.
Each PGA player will receive an extra stroke for any mention of Tiger Woods’ problems. This does not include Tiger himself, who has received more than enough strokes this year, thank you.
All miniature golf rules now are legal in PGA events. This includes hitting the ball by using your putter as a pool cue, winning a pizza for a hole in one on the 18th and effective use of the carom. Giant whales and dinosaurs will be installed at all PGA courses.
Weed Eaters will be mandatory equipment in the golf bags of all British Open competitors.
The next time Tom Watson is leading any PGA tournament in the final round, all other golfers will be executed. Last year’s British Open was the greatest sports moment that never happened.
Instead of hole numbers, flags on PGA greens will be named after one of Tiger Woods’ girlfriends. Can’t you just hear Jim Nantz? “Now, let’s go to David Feherty who is on Holly Sampson.”
Portly Craig Stadler will be named official breakfast chef for the PGA. He will shout, “I am the egg man. I am the egg man. I am the Walrus.”
Any circular formation on the course will now be considered a hole. A Bottle cap, an opponent’s visor and a puddle? Hole, hole, hole.
In tribute to the great Payne Stewart who wore NFL licensed golf clothes, Canadian golfer James Lepp will sign a clothing deal with the NHL. Of course he must replace all divots made by his skates.
Anyone who does the Chi Chi Rodriguez sword wave who is not named Chi Chi Rodriguez will be stabbed with an actual sword by Chi Chi Rodriguez.
Any golfer who tests positive for steroids will be banned … and immediately hired as hitting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals.
Any golfer who tests positive for Viagra will be suspended. If the suspension lasts longer than four hours, please consult a physician.
Ok, let’s cut to the chase. Make the holes, balls and club heads bigger. Make the sand traps, bunkers and ponds smaller. Make the mulligan a real and vital part of the game and, what the heck, throw in a beer, cigar and sausage sub for everyone at the turn.
Syndicated columnist John Molori writes for numerous publications and websites. Email John at MoloriMedia@aol.com.